Legolas' Concience
by ArwenTurner
Summary: Legolas has a conversation with his concience in anticipation of a "date"...


Legolas was nervous. He has a Gollum/Smeagol moment.  
  
"I'm nervous".  
  
"The First Date!"  
  
"No, it's not really a date, It's just two friends."  
  
"...On a date."  
  
"Oh shut up, concience!"  
  
"Fine. I'll leave, but I'm telling you....This Is A Date. Awww!"  
  
"Go."  
  
And it was gone.  
  
Legolas scanned his room.   
  
"It's more of a treehouse you kn...."  
  
"I SAID GO."  
  
After re-arranging the flowers in the vase a few more times, he thought he was finally ready. He got a match and lit a few candles around the room.   
  
"Very romantic...for two frien.....ok, ok, jeez! I'm gone."  
  
So he sat. And waited.   
  
"What if you're left sitting there all night. What if you get stood up."  
  
"What did I tell you?"  
  
"So if the DATE doesn't turn up, you're not even going to have ME to speak to? Huh! WhatEVER!"  
  
thinks "Why did I have to have such a camp concience! damn!"  
  
He walked over to the coconut stereo. Don't ask why it was made out of coconuts...it just was. Also....don't ask about the abundance of coconut trees that just happened to be growing in Mirkwood forest at the time of a need for a stereo...  
  
"Hmm. Music" he thought, and put on a slow R&B jam. Very romantic. Turning down the volume a little, he went over to the mirror and checked his hair, again. It's fine, go sit down.  
  
So he sat down. Very obedient little Elf, so he is.  
  
"Concience...what if you're right...I mean...what if I am alone all of tonight?"  
  
"Concience...come back, I'm..I'm sorry I was mean."  
  
"Aaah, you always come running back to me don't you. Mwahaha. You are under my complete control now. Mwahaha."  
  
"Erm....excuse me?"  
  
"Oh, did I say that aloud? Never mind that. I have an answer to your problem. I am your personal wise oracle for today. I charge at three dollars per hour..."  
  
"Just get on with it."  
  
"Fine. Touchy! Well. The problem of your sudden...alone-ness, apart from booting me...is that...you're three hours early."  
  
"Oh DRAT."  
  
---  
  
_Three hours later._  
  
"Oh my god where on earth..."  
  
"Calm down my friend. I am now your mentor and I charge at five dollars per h..."  
  
"Stop it."  
  
Legolas was getting nervous. His concience had filled him with doubt. He was stupid to get so excited about this.  
  
Just as he was silently fretting...his concience had been unusually silent...he heard a rustling of leaves, someone was approaching the door! Aaah! After a quick check in the mirror...smoothing out a bit of hair that was going flyaway, he answered the door.  
  
"Gimli, my friend! Come in!"  
  
"Aye laddie. That I'll do."  
  
They go in and sit down. Gimli looks around them.  
  
_to himself_. "Music...dim lighting...and...and...CANDLES. What on earth...."  
  
"Um, Legolas?"  
  
"Never mind that Gimli. Have some Elven wine."  
  
But Gimli knew that Elven wine was a very powerful aphrodisiac, and, since he only had eyes for Galadriel...and Lothlorien was so far away...he had no need for it. There was no way Legolas had brought her here as a surprise...or had he? Time for a Gimli-Gollum/Smeagol moment.....unfortunally cut due to running time. Oh well. The jist of it was "Whats goin on?" "I don't know." "Don't you? I'm hungry." "Aye."  
  
"So...Gimli." Legolas started, ushering him to the couch. "Busy day?"  
  
"Aye. Killed a few orcs. Ate some food. Drank some ale. Slept. Done some sit ups, but I kinda got stuck..."  
  
"Ooh" reaches out to his stomach "My...it really shows. Have you been working out alot recently Gimlio?  
  
Gimli just looks at him blankly, and slaps away his hand.  
  
"Whats gotten into you laddie?"  
  
"Gimli...I can't hide it any longer. I know you feel the same, come here!" Legolas smiled and advanced towards Gimli's mouth...or what he roughly guessed where his mouth was under that beard.  
  
"LEGOLAS!" Gimli jumped off. (Phew. No NC-17 Here!)  
  
"I...uh..Gimlio? Darling?"  
  
"Don't you darling me, boy. What the...the......." Gimli was speechless.  
  
"I, um....um...." Legolas was speechless.  
  
All Gimli could do was turn around and walk out, stunned. Legolas smacked himself on the forehead.  
  
"Damnit. Why do I have to be so bloody forward. I KNEW I was reading those signals wrong."  
  
"Or were there any signals after all?"  
  
"Oh bloody hell not you again...GO AWAY!"  
  
"Uh...Well...Thats nice. Just turn your back on your only friend when I'm....huh."  
  
"Look, I'm sorry. Please talk to me with you're great advice oh lovely concience."  
  
"Thank you, Mr Greenleaf. I'm Mandy hi and I'll be your therapist for today. I charge at the very good rate of 10 dollars an hou...."  
  
"CONCIENCE...."  
  
"Oh fine."  
  
"And, concience, can I ask....Mandy..??!"  
  
"Um...just a random name. It was, actually, the name of my first doll."  
  
"Camp as ever."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh never mind."  
  
"You feeling ok now? Damn that must have been embarassing. And you're meant to be meeting all the guys tomorrow. Remember, Aragorn and Arwen's dinner party? How is THAT going to be? And if the guys find out..."  
  
"Which they won't.."  
  
"...If they find out...think about it. Anyway. There are plenty more dwarves in the caves, you know what they say."  
  
"I thought it was fish in the sea?"  
  
"Aye, but we're not in the sea are we? Tell that to Marlin and Dory."  
  
"Oh haha. No more Nemo for you, concience."  
  
"Whats wrong with Disney movies?"  
  
"Can we get back to ME for a second here? Suffering. Hello, over here."  
  
"Fine, jeez, why did I get to be the concience of such a whiney git. Me, me, me."  
  
"Um, excuse me...still here."  
  
"Right. Well. Moving on. Remember that lovely little Elf-Maiden? You met at Elrond's retirement do?"  
  
"The one with the brown hair, down to here.." gestures "And the stunning green eyes?"  
  
"Thats the one. Why not check her out. She seemed pretty keen?"  
  
"I think I might do that actually. She DID seem interested in me. I must say my hair was exceptionally immaculate that day. That MUST have been it!"  
  
"All right, don't get ahead of yourself. I'd open by using the whole "Prince" card. Chicks really dig that."  
  
"What is with you recently, concience?"  
  
"Sorry....I overdosed on happy pills the day you found out Eowyn loved Faramir, and you were so sad you blamed yourself for being away at the time of Aragorn turning her down, and your shoulder not being avaliable to cry on and all that. God you were down that weekend. Thank god your father bought you that new haircare set three days later and averted all your attention. Anyway, I took too many happy pills, and the effects STILL haven't worn off. I've been as high as a kite for WEEKS!"  
  
"Oh dear LORD." 


End file.
